Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Why Do I Blog?

    Another blogger asked this question and I could not answer it in one sentence.   Letter writing, journaling, losing my mind all led to blogging for me.
  • Letter writing was a part of my life for decades but now I just email.  Sorry, United States Postal Service -- email is cheaper.  I might go back to letter writing, just to my son, because holding a letter in hand is a gift.
  • Journaling has always been important to me.  I saw a quote once that went something like this --- "I don't know what I think until I read what I wrote."  That is part of it.  I journal so that I won't forget.  I journal so that I can see how the Lord has had a hand in my life, how prayers were answered.  I journal to help me figure things out. I journal because I can write some things for only me to see that I can not say to anyone. I journal to let things out.
  • If you have read this blog before today you know I suffered a mental breakdown a few years ago and I am still recovering.  Losing one's mind -- well, there is a reason it is called a "breakdown."   You find yourself broken.  It was suggested to me that writing a blog might be a way to help find myself, understand myself, deal with the changes that have come.
  • I am a weird introvert.  In my former life I had a job where I did very extrovert things.  I did a lot of public speaking, acting in skits, storytelling, that kind of thing and I was able to do that by taking on a persona. I have read that many actors are introverts and this is how they are able to practice their craft.  It worked for me, but once I had to face the world as myself I became a big ole introvert.  Because of the responsibilities I had in my former life I spoke with a lot of people every day and I enjoyed it very much.  In my current life I see very few people, almost none.  I miss that contact.  Blogging is a way to reach out.  Comments are a wonderful reward.
  • I have always been agoraphobic to some degree, varying degrees at different times in my life, and intensely so after my breakdown.  During the worst spells of agoraphobia  I could only leave my house, or attend meetings, or go to the store if one of my "safe" people were with me.  Needing a person that makes me feel safe is very important.  If you are agoraphobic and can't easily go out into the world then you feel pretty isolated.  You need friends, but friends are out in that world. 
  • I am not a writer, highly educated, or even a student of writing classes but I like to write.  I just like to put down thoughts.  I love the feel of a pen or pencil against paper.  Blogging, of course, does not involve pen or pencil, but the feel of laptop keys is comforting as well.
  •   I am hearing impaired.  I don't know when I lost my hearing.  If you have never heard perfectly you just don't know.  I started wearing hearing aides in my late 40's when it became necessary in order to keep working. Hearing aides are very price-y (for me anyway), only last 5 or 6 years at best (well, that was true back in the day when I last had a pair), companies won't even let you send them in for repair if they are older than 4 years old (again, true back in the day), and mine just never worked all that great.  If I could afford hearing aides I would have a pair right now but they are just not affordable.  Even with hearing aides I still had a horrible time trying to understand consonants.  Baby, lady, gravy all sound the same to me.  Having a conversation with someone is something else.  The gears in my mind are constantly churning, trying to figure out what word would make sense here during the times I might understand some words and misunderstand others.   It is much easier for me to read something than try to figure out what someone is saying to me so that makes blogging an easy way to communicate for me.
  • In the past 4 years I have lost the two friends of whom I could tell anything  (and did).  Thank goodness I still have my sister and can now tell her anything and everything, but I miss the conversations I used to have with those friends.  Blogging will never come close to replacing them but it is a start at something different.
I wish I had an interesting life so I had something interesting to write but my current life is pretty confined.  I am home with my dogs, or at my kids' homes with my kids and grandkids.  I used to love to go to church and all the activities there but that is way too much for me to do now.  I would love to go to our city's First Friday Art Walk, to plays, exhibits, events but going out into a group of people is terrifying to me, and most things cost something, ruling out me being able to attend.  For most of my life I forced myself to be bigger than the panic attacks and feelings of agoraphobia and go out and live life, but feeling as shake-y and fragile as I am now --- it is just more important to take care of myself.  Being in the mental hospital was not a bad experience but not one I want to repeat because I never want to be that ill again.  I could not read and comprehend, I could not function, --- I just never want to be that ill again.  I will protect myself and not push myself beyond my current limits.  I feel like a fine china teacup that has been shattered and the pieces glued back together, but the glue is not dry....so I am not gonna shake the table.  So, instead of being out in the world, I blog when I can come up with anything to say (again, sorry it is so boring) and I appreciate my blogger friends more than anyone can imagine.  Life is good.  And heavens, it takes me a lot of words to say anything.

Why do you blog and/or why do you read blogs?   

9 comments:

  1. I could almost be your clone. So many things in common about why I read and write a blog.

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    1. I have felt from the first few blog posts of yours that I read that we are kindred spirits.

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  2. First, I am glad Granny Annie said she could almost be your clone. You both entered my blog world at the same time and I sometimes have to scroll up to see whose blog I am reading--yours or hers. now I feel my confusion is not so strange.
    Second, and more important, your blog is a joy to read. You are honest and heartfelt in sharing your life. This post, so very touching, is a perfect example. This, posts like this, is why I read blogs. It expands my awareness of life and my appreciation of other people's experiences. I have actually come out of my shell as a result of the blogosphere. So, thank-you for writing and reading and sharing so much of yourself.

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    1. You are such a joy. The feeling I get when I read your blog is that even though you have been through the horrible experience of burying your husband you still can pull up the strength to get out and live life. You are an inspiration, and you are talented in so many areas. You expand my world.

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  3. What an amazingly candid post. I didn't know about your history and can only marvel at how you have managed. I had a friend who was agoraphobic with panic attacks and also one who had a break down so I understand a tiny bit of what you are going through. The agoraphobic was also a self proclaimed "actress." It was how she coped.
    As Olga said, thank you so much for sharing this part of yourself.

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    1. I know so many people who have a "game face" that the world sees and then there is the real "them." I really enjoy your posts... I still chuckle at the mental picture you created by describing your perm!

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  4. I really connected on your point about being a weird extrovert. As a teacher and later a teacher of teachers, I put myself out there in leadership roles that are not really in my nature, but I did it because I felt passionate about what I was doing. As I retired person, I have much less contact, and much less intellectual stimulation. I like connecting through blogging. I find I can practice writing and expressing myself through comments as much or more than writing my own blog. And I learn so much about different lifestyles and regions and activities, and about how even when we are very different, we still have so much in common.

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    1. Linda, you nailed it on the head. Introverts can do extrovert things that we are PASSIONATE about. I just wrote a post on how introverts do extrovert things and I wish I had known what you just pointed out. LOL! I will just have to go back and revise! Thank you for helping me see.

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    2. I just read your new post, and of course I recognized myself in the description of an introvert and in the comment about being passionate.
      Are you aware of a book called QUIET by Susan Cain? I read it two years ago and I learned so much about myself, and I also learned to better accept who I am.

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